I am not much of a writer

I am not much of a writer.

In fact, I don't write much at all. I find it difficult to express myself in the physical written word.

I am still in fact, trying to figure out how to approach this whole blogging thing.

Do I use humourous euphemisms to present my life to the world? Should I be straight laced and serious only pausing to punctuate my verbage with antecedent colloquialisms? Am I to be real and transparent or peer under the cover of anonimity and toss out verbal grenades?

I really do want to be real in my heart of hearts, but fear of knowing oneself, or even more terrifying letting others know me permeates my writing.

Share my testimony? Yes. I can do that. Share my feelings? I am not as certain. That leaves me to be vulnerable. Vulnerability now that is a subject isn't it?

Vulnerability. Lowering our shields just enough to let others in. Giving others access to ourselves, our heart of hearts, letting ourselves exchange love and compassion in order to recieve love and compassion and any with that the ability to be hurt by those we open ourselves to.

Choices. Well we can become a hardened bunker and not let anything in. Sitting in our bunkers we can peer out at the world but not interact with it. A lonely pointless existance to say the least.
No passion, no love, no interaction with life. No interaction with God probably. No interaction with people most likely.

"To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow, Creeps in this petty pace from day to day, To the last syllable of recorded time; And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player, That struts and frets his hour upon the stage, And then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing." --From Macbeth (V, v, 19)

Choices. We can let ourselves be vulnerable and let others (and God) in. Trusting. owch. But isn't that how Love works? We trust others not to hurt us when we give them our most valuable possessions. Our heart. Our trust. Our faith.

Can we trust God. Well sure. Can we trust another person. Ah there's the rub.

37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. 38 This is the first and great commandment. 39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. Matthew 22 37-39

Be Real. That is the challenge. Anyone can be plastic. Anyone can be pretentious and superficial. Most people are experts at this craft. "How are you doing today?" "Fine" Keep on walking. We seem amazed and even sometimes a little "put out" when someone ACTUALLY tells us how they are really doing. "Hey you can't do that" you are responding outside of my superficiality. I am just ASKING how you are doing. I don't REALLY want an answer you know.

I am guilty of this. I am also guilty of not telling people how I am really doing. I have a friend who asks me how I am doing every time we get together. He keeps hoping I will honestly say "Excellent" "Awesome" "If I were doing any better I would be twins" (ok mabey not the last one) but ANYTHING but "fine" "good" "hanging in there" though more realistic and honest answers than saying I am doing good when I am not really, they keep the shields up don't they?

How does this relate to blogging? Being real. Larry Norman says that his most heartfelt desire is that his "performances" playing music from his heart would be real. Not performed, but shared. Performance at its heart is plastic-y if there is indeed a word like that. The desire to be real. That is my heartcry. I am tired of "fake" people. I am tired of being "fake" I want realness. In realness is truth.

Mabey that is what this whole blogging thing is right? People in search of realness and truth reading about people sharing realness and truth. Seems there is such a shortage of this in the world that mabey blogging is an avenue for that. To see that our lives are mabey not as bad or better than others. To get inspiration and motivation from other people's experience.

My journey continues...