Well... have been job shadowing at Sask Hospital now for a few days... have now got a couple Continuing Care Aide courses under my belt (there are 16) and the job prospect is looking good for a job at Sask Hospital in North Battleford when I get done.
Financially seems we are still struggling since the move, marriage etc. but am hoping things will get cleared up when I start working again hopefully.
Biggest thing I am struggling with is the existing family baggage that came with the beautiful woman I am madly in love with.
In some sense I do love her boys, some more than others, but I find I have personality conficts with one of them and I do not know how to deal with it. I recognize the conflicts as just that, personality conflicts, but there are power struggle issues as well that frustrate and anger me. Somedays I just do not know what to do. The kid is just like his father, Type A, world revolves around me, irresponsible, and an opinion on everything even if they know nothing about the subject. Drives me crazy.
I have to deal with these people and yet, Jesus says I am supposed to love them. This is very difficult for me. I try, Lord I try... but it seems I more swing around to the end of anger and frustration than love and forgiveness. Praying for them is like praying for a wall to become sand... and every time I am around or have to deal with one of these two individuals I feel like I have to bite my tongue. It does not bring peace to me, nor my beautiful wife, or the other people in my family, but on the other hand, if I bottle it up thats not good either. Being a stepdad I feel like I have no opinion in the matters of the existing family and if I do say something it just seems to offend people because even though what I say is the truth, people do not want to hear it or do not want me to rock the boat.
I know coming into a family as an outsider is a difficult thing, I saw my stepdad Dennis deal with us when he married my mom, but I do not remember the power struggles and blatent lack of respect and irresponsibility that seems to crop up with these people I deal with. It truly is frustrating and I try to love and care through it, but find it truly hard to do. I pray for forgiveness in my heart and theirs, I pray for change, but it seems it does not come. In my heart I want peace, and I know that the unrest in our family causes my wife a great deal of unrest and sadness. I just do not know what to do anymore. God knows I try.
Oh well... this is just me ranting and raving... sorry, no wonderfully spiritual truths or postulating... just me typing and blurting out what is on my mind. Gotta be real. Moose.
3 comments:
Hey bud
I'll be Praying for ya...hey maybe all you need is some cheap Wings and numerous pint's RB's.
Love ya real good man
I appreciate that bro. Yeah lol... been a while since been up at Joe Dogs fer sure. Miss ya man. Bless Ya.
Wow, touchy situation for sure Steve. I can't imagine being 'in it'. It must be so frustrating.
Last night I was invited to my friend's church to give a testimony. They were having a Praise and worship concert with the Salvation Army band, some jazz quartet and other musicians and singers to raise some money for a sound system. I didn't play anything since I have a cold and I was all plugged up, but the Lord put on my heart to talked to them about how frustrated I became when Trudy was in the hospital with leukemia. To make a long story short, I told them that I fell on my knees on the basement floor one night. I was washing Trudy's bed clothes to bring them back to her at the hospital the next day. I started to hit the dryer with my fist crying out to God, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!" and I kept repeating that.
I was in a situation that I couldn't fix at all, and God didn't seem to want to fix it either - in my mind.
A couple of days later, while I was shaving and crying, feeling sorry for my wife and for myself, God told me to Praise Him.
I didn't feel like praising Him. That was the last thing on my mind. I started praising Him while I was shaving and crying at the same time. Well . . . I felt His joy in my heart move in, right in the middle of my darkest moment. I had told the Lord in the basement that if He wanted to take Trudy now, it was OK with me. That was the hardest thing for me to do - ever!
After that, things changed. I kept praising Him even if I didn't feel like it, and He took all my fears and frustration away. Trudy got better and He healed her from leukemia. Praise Him!
The only thing I can tell You Steve is that I was in a situation where I couldn't do anything about.
God told me to praise Him and He took care of it all.
Only He could do it!
I will be praying for you and your new family, now that I know what to pray for.
Hang in there bro . . . this too shall pass.
Love the unlovable!
Your brother in Christ
Jerry
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