I didn't die today...
I should of though, it would of been a lot nicer.
I know emotions are part of being human, and that God implanted them in our makeup, but I really wish I was Captain Spock from Star Trek some days.
Some days I just wish I did not care. Then I would not hurt. But then I would be unable to love.
In the immortal words of the band Nazareth "Love Hurts"
When it is broken it is painful. Today I felt that pain.
It has been a rough day and I did not walk it out in faith.
Instead I have relied on the old tapes, the old protective walls and gear.
I gave into the "old man" and that old man is a hurting unit.
I really wish I would of died to self today and kept focused on God. It would of been a much prettier sight.
Or would of it been?
Honesty with God...hmmm
I could ACT like everything is AOK, that I have my life together 24-7...
The Bulletproof monk...
But then I become something I despise, fake.
My desire to be real and transparent, but most of all righteous and to live my life with integrity HAS to over ride my desire to act like I have it "together"
So I am going to be real. I am choosing to share my reality with God. I suspect He is bigger than my pain.
My favorite person in the Bible shared his intimate pain.
David did with us.
David did with God.
David got depressed, David got angry, and David lost hope.
But he knew who to go to to get help, to repent to, and to change his life around.
Honesty with one's own self is critical.
"Know Thyself" but more importantly Know God.
David said some really bad things, pretty discouraging things, very disturbing things
The same guy who depressed and down told God that he wanted to smash the babies of his enemies against the rocks in Psalm 137 (not David's finest hour by the way):
Psalms 137 1 By the waters of Babylon, there we sat down and wept, when we remembered Zion. 2 On the willows there we hung up our lyres. 3 For there our captors required of us songs, and our tormentors, mirth, saying, "Sing us one of the songs of Zion!" 4 How shall we sing the LORD's song in a foreign land? 5 If I forget you, O Jerusalem, let my right hand wither! 6 Let my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth, if I do not remember you, if I do not set Jerusalem above my highest joy! 7 Remember, O LORD, against the E'domites the day of Jerusalem, how they said, "Rase it, rase it! Down to its foundations!" 8 O daughter of Babylon, you devastator! Happy shall he be who requites you with what you have done to us! 9 Happy shall he be who takes your little ones and dashes them against the rock!
...was the same guy who cried out to God in repentence in Psalm 51 with one of the most beautiful prayers in the Bible:
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence, and take not thy Holy Spirit from me.
...was one of the most vivid worshippers of the old testament in Psalm 107:
O give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures for ever!
I desire to be real with God. To tell Him not just the good but the bad as well.
God is bigger than our anger, our pain, and our sin.
That is why I run to Him.
I have no choice. He is the only one who can do anything about this mess of a life.
I didn't die today.
I let my emotions rule me instead of God.
I didn't die today.
But God understands and forgives me anyways.
In the midst of pain there is mercy.
Praise be to God.
1 comment:
I love your heart man! Someone in our body was over for coffee this morning and she said, "I'm tired....tired of hurting, trying, risking, fearing, hiding.... I just want peace"
I tried encouraging her through her tears (we've ALL been there) just telling her that if she gives up, there is no hope. Yes, we get weary and tired and it gets hot, but to get off the road, means you WILL lose your hope. You know and much as me that it's your ONLY hope. We know that even if we fall in the ditch sometimes, we pick ourselves up and stay the course.....it's truly the only way.....for true peace.....
Post a Comment